By
Dr Leow Chee Seng
MBA (UPM), DBA (UBI), MMIM, MIHRM,MIM-CPT, CAHRP (Consultant),Certified E-Commerce Professional (Mal),Certified Professional Trainer (MIM, PSNB),Certified Stress Management (IACT, USA),Certificate Qualitative Research (Georgia, USA)Certificate in Homeopathy Medicine (Mal)Practising Cognitive, Behavioural Therapist
Relationship is important—it may be the single greatest factor in your happiness throughout your life. It is the way that our emotions become magnified through sharing and interchange. It is the way that we build our histories with others,share memories, and taste our experiences. However, it is not always easy. Why? Because there is another person involved—a person with his or her own experiences, preferences, values, and levels of commitment. This can be frustrating at times, no matter how deep, powerful, intense, and passionate the relationship is.
In fact, you may say, frustration is often a sign of passion waiting to break free—if you can learn how to harness it. As Tony puts it, there are areas in your life where you may enjoy a great deal of control; in other areas of life, you may even have mastery. In relationship, you have neither mastery nor control—you have influence at best. If you think you can control your partner, you will be frustrated. If you simply expect your partner to be or do things in a certain way, your partner will feel judged and stop cooperating. And if you try to coerce your partner to do things in a way that doesn’t reflect his or her free will, you cannot have a happy relationship. So you have influence at best, and you have much less control than you may have thought. Is this bad news? On the contrary, this is the path to the excitement, spontaneity, and interaction that are at the bottom of every truly successful relationship. There is a way to harness the uncertainty of relationship and to let it light up your life. So let’s get started.
FUNDAMENTALS: THE SIX HUMAN NEEDS
The concept of the six human needs is at the core of human needs psychology. We believe that human motivation is driven by the need to fulfill six basic human needs. These needs are our constant and in some ways our closest companions. They never stop driving us and they never go away. You cannot simply resolve a need—it will be back tomorrow or even in five minutes. Our needs are the primal forces that shape all of our choices. The good news is that there are only six needs and there are millions of ways of satisfying your needs. By understanding how your needs work, you can set yourself up for lasting fulfillment in life.
The First Human Need: Certainty/Comfort
The first need is for certainty that we can be comfortable—to have pleasure and to avoid pain. For some of us, this means a secure environment, consistency in our relationships. You can also get certainty through physical habits—eating, for instance, can make you feel comfortable and certain—or even through certain beliefs—for instance, you can have faith that your problems will be resolved. What is necessary for someone to feel certain varies from individual to individual. For one person knowing where the next meal will come from is sufficient certainty, while for another person the need for certainty may be satisfied only by having a million dollars in the bank. Code words for certainty are comfort, security, safety, stability, predictability. When things get rough, what are some things that you do to feel
certain?
The Second Human Need: Uncertainty/Variety
Once we feel certain, however, our second need is for uncertainty—for variety and challenges that will exercise our emotional and physical range. Our bodies, our minds, our emotional being all require uncertainty, exercise, suspense, variety, surprise. Even if you have a lifetime supply of your favorite food, at some point you will want to eat something else. Your emotional and physical state will change. We all value uncertainty/variety to different degrees, but we all need it. You may get variety by pursuing changes, diversions, and pleasures or by undertaking risky projects or challenging commitments. Some people satisfy their need for uncertainty/variety by watching a movie, while others need to race cars or climb mountains. And don’t forget a major source of variety for all of us: problems. When
things don’t go as you planned, when expectations are foiled and things go in a different direction, that’s uncertainty/variety as well. What kind of variety/uncertainty do you experience on a regular basis? Code words for uncertainty are fear, instability, change, variety, chaos, refreshment, craving, release, suspense, exertion, surprise, problem, crisis. Are there ways in which the feeling of uncertainty actually serves to give you variety?
The Third Human Need: Significance
The third need is for significance. Every person needs to feel important, needed, wanted. When we were babies, we all needed to feel that we were number one. If you had siblings, you competed with them for love and attention—you found your niche, whether as the smart one or the scrappy one or the loving one or the obedient one. This need is still with you: Needing to feel special and important in some way has helped shape who you are today. You can feel significant by building or achieving something, or you can feel significant by tearing something or somebody down. In all cases, significance comes from comparing yourself to others— hierarchical pecking orders and superiority/inferiority. In its positive sense, significance leads you to raise your standards. If you overfocus on significance, you will have trouble feeling connected with people, because the comparison game marks out our differences rather than what we have in common. Some people focus on significance in a self-deprecating way—having low self-esteem, doubting whether they are good enough, expecting others to raise them up. How do you get significance? Code words for significance are pride, importance, standards, achievement, performance, perfection, evaluation, discipline, competition, plus any words connected with being “rejected” or being “good enough.”
The Fourth Human Need: Love/Connection
The fourth need is for love and connection. Everyone strives for and hopes for love, and everyone needs connection with other human beings. If you are alive today, you were loved. You needed to feel loved and touched in order to survive, and that need is still at your core. In this sense, love is the ultimate survival instinct, and it comes before the baby can take care of its own basic bodily needs. So love is a big part of who you already are, no matter who you are. The obstacles to love lie in your belief system about how to get the feeling of love, your rules about how to recognize and appreciate love, and your ability to learn to give love as well as receive it. Some people rarely experience love, but they have many ways of feeling connection with others—in the community or in the workplace. Do you experience love in your life, or do you focus on connection with others, a less threatening form of love? When in
your life have you felt really loved? Code words for love and connection are togetherness, unified, connected, passionate, “on the same page.” These first four human needs are the needs of the personality and must be met at some level by everyone. The last two needs are the needs of the spirit, which are essential to human fulfillment. These are growth and contribution.
The Fifth Human Need: Growth
When we stop growing, we die. We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. There is a universal law about growth: Everything is either growing or dying—there is no middle ground. Anything that you want to remain in your life—your money, your body, your relationship, your happiness or love—must be cultivated, developed, expanded. Otherwise it will degenerate. What does this mean for us? There is no “retirement,” a terminal point where we simply get to keep and enjoy what we have. If your body, your finances, or your relationships are in a good state, be prepared to continue to care for and expand them. If you let them flatline, they will deteriorate.
The Sixth Human Need: Contribution
Contribution requires you to go beyond your own needs and give to others. Most emotional problems and sources of pain disappear when you focus on serving someone other than yourself. Therefore, contribution is the human need that effectively regulates your other five needs: If you are focused on contribution, you have the certainty of being able to contribute (there is always a way); you have variety in the number of things that can go right and wrong (contribution is highly interactive); you have significance because the commitment to contribution is rare and is the sign of an extraordinary person; you have connection because there is a spiritual connection in helping others; and you have to experience growth because
contribution requires you to go beyond your own needs. From this perspective, the purpose of human needs psychology is not only to take care of your own needs but to expand and serve others in an attitude of leadership and contribution. If you are focused on growth and contribution, it is difficult to get bored or depressed. Everyone creates their own system of beliefs and actions for satisfying their needs. We call this system their “model of the world.” One person may give himself or herself the feeling of certainty by always controlling the environment, a second person may feel certain by not trusting anyone, and a third person may get the feeling of certainty by holding a spiritual belief. Everyone can meet their own needs in sustainable ways that serve the greater good of themselves and others, or they can meet their own needs in ways that sooner or later harm themselves or others. When someone loses his or her habitual ways of meeting personal needs, he or she experiences a crisis. For instance, when financial failure comes to a businessperson who gets the feeling of significance from being financially successful, he or she will experience a loss of significance. When someone who gets the feeling of importance from taking care of others suddenly becomes unable to help others, he or she will also experience a loss of significance. When people lose their usual ability to meet their needs, they react by trying to find other ways of regaining their sense of significance, at least temporarily. Sometimes these temporary solutions lead to long-term solutions; other times they lead to harm. The purpose of human needs psychology is to understand a person’s model of the world, to bring about a conscious understanding of personal choices, and to assist the person in finding new ways to meet personal needs in ways that will serve him or her and others in the long term.
In fact, you may say, frustration is often a sign of passion waiting to break free—if you can learn how to harness it. As Tony puts it, there are areas in your life where you may enjoy a great deal of control; in other areas of life, you may even have mastery. In relationship, you have neither mastery nor control—you have influence at best. If you think you can control your partner, you will be frustrated. If you simply expect your partner to be or do things in a certain way, your partner will feel judged and stop cooperating. And if you try to coerce your partner to do things in a way that doesn’t reflect his or her free will, you cannot have a happy relationship. So you have influence at best, and you have much less control than you may have thought. Is this bad news? On the contrary, this is the path to the excitement, spontaneity, and interaction that are at the bottom of every truly successful relationship. There is a way to harness the uncertainty of relationship and to let it light up your life. So let’s get started.
FUNDAMENTALS: THE SIX HUMAN NEEDS
The concept of the six human needs is at the core of human needs psychology. We believe that human motivation is driven by the need to fulfill six basic human needs. These needs are our constant and in some ways our closest companions. They never stop driving us and they never go away. You cannot simply resolve a need—it will be back tomorrow or even in five minutes. Our needs are the primal forces that shape all of our choices. The good news is that there are only six needs and there are millions of ways of satisfying your needs. By understanding how your needs work, you can set yourself up for lasting fulfillment in life.
The First Human Need: Certainty/Comfort
The first need is for certainty that we can be comfortable—to have pleasure and to avoid pain. For some of us, this means a secure environment, consistency in our relationships. You can also get certainty through physical habits—eating, for instance, can make you feel comfortable and certain—or even through certain beliefs—for instance, you can have faith that your problems will be resolved. What is necessary for someone to feel certain varies from individual to individual. For one person knowing where the next meal will come from is sufficient certainty, while for another person the need for certainty may be satisfied only by having a million dollars in the bank. Code words for certainty are comfort, security, safety, stability, predictability. When things get rough, what are some things that you do to feel
certain?
The Second Human Need: Uncertainty/Variety
Once we feel certain, however, our second need is for uncertainty—for variety and challenges that will exercise our emotional and physical range. Our bodies, our minds, our emotional being all require uncertainty, exercise, suspense, variety, surprise. Even if you have a lifetime supply of your favorite food, at some point you will want to eat something else. Your emotional and physical state will change. We all value uncertainty/variety to different degrees, but we all need it. You may get variety by pursuing changes, diversions, and pleasures or by undertaking risky projects or challenging commitments. Some people satisfy their need for uncertainty/variety by watching a movie, while others need to race cars or climb mountains. And don’t forget a major source of variety for all of us: problems. When
things don’t go as you planned, when expectations are foiled and things go in a different direction, that’s uncertainty/variety as well. What kind of variety/uncertainty do you experience on a regular basis? Code words for uncertainty are fear, instability, change, variety, chaos, refreshment, craving, release, suspense, exertion, surprise, problem, crisis. Are there ways in which the feeling of uncertainty actually serves to give you variety?
The Third Human Need: Significance
The third need is for significance. Every person needs to feel important, needed, wanted. When we were babies, we all needed to feel that we were number one. If you had siblings, you competed with them for love and attention—you found your niche, whether as the smart one or the scrappy one or the loving one or the obedient one. This need is still with you: Needing to feel special and important in some way has helped shape who you are today. You can feel significant by building or achieving something, or you can feel significant by tearing something or somebody down. In all cases, significance comes from comparing yourself to others— hierarchical pecking orders and superiority/inferiority. In its positive sense, significance leads you to raise your standards. If you overfocus on significance, you will have trouble feeling connected with people, because the comparison game marks out our differences rather than what we have in common. Some people focus on significance in a self-deprecating way—having low self-esteem, doubting whether they are good enough, expecting others to raise them up. How do you get significance? Code words for significance are pride, importance, standards, achievement, performance, perfection, evaluation, discipline, competition, plus any words connected with being “rejected” or being “good enough.”
The Fourth Human Need: Love/Connection
The fourth need is for love and connection. Everyone strives for and hopes for love, and everyone needs connection with other human beings. If you are alive today, you were loved. You needed to feel loved and touched in order to survive, and that need is still at your core. In this sense, love is the ultimate survival instinct, and it comes before the baby can take care of its own basic bodily needs. So love is a big part of who you already are, no matter who you are. The obstacles to love lie in your belief system about how to get the feeling of love, your rules about how to recognize and appreciate love, and your ability to learn to give love as well as receive it. Some people rarely experience love, but they have many ways of feeling connection with others—in the community or in the workplace. Do you experience love in your life, or do you focus on connection with others, a less threatening form of love? When in
your life have you felt really loved? Code words for love and connection are togetherness, unified, connected, passionate, “on the same page.” These first four human needs are the needs of the personality and must be met at some level by everyone. The last two needs are the needs of the spirit, which are essential to human fulfillment. These are growth and contribution.
The Fifth Human Need: Growth
When we stop growing, we die. We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. There is a universal law about growth: Everything is either growing or dying—there is no middle ground. Anything that you want to remain in your life—your money, your body, your relationship, your happiness or love—must be cultivated, developed, expanded. Otherwise it will degenerate. What does this mean for us? There is no “retirement,” a terminal point where we simply get to keep and enjoy what we have. If your body, your finances, or your relationships are in a good state, be prepared to continue to care for and expand them. If you let them flatline, they will deteriorate.
The Sixth Human Need: Contribution
Contribution requires you to go beyond your own needs and give to others. Most emotional problems and sources of pain disappear when you focus on serving someone other than yourself. Therefore, contribution is the human need that effectively regulates your other five needs: If you are focused on contribution, you have the certainty of being able to contribute (there is always a way); you have variety in the number of things that can go right and wrong (contribution is highly interactive); you have significance because the commitment to contribution is rare and is the sign of an extraordinary person; you have connection because there is a spiritual connection in helping others; and you have to experience growth because
contribution requires you to go beyond your own needs. From this perspective, the purpose of human needs psychology is not only to take care of your own needs but to expand and serve others in an attitude of leadership and contribution. If you are focused on growth and contribution, it is difficult to get bored or depressed. Everyone creates their own system of beliefs and actions for satisfying their needs. We call this system their “model of the world.” One person may give himself or herself the feeling of certainty by always controlling the environment, a second person may feel certain by not trusting anyone, and a third person may get the feeling of certainty by holding a spiritual belief. Everyone can meet their own needs in sustainable ways that serve the greater good of themselves and others, or they can meet their own needs in ways that sooner or later harm themselves or others. When someone loses his or her habitual ways of meeting personal needs, he or she experiences a crisis. For instance, when financial failure comes to a businessperson who gets the feeling of significance from being financially successful, he or she will experience a loss of significance. When someone who gets the feeling of importance from taking care of others suddenly becomes unable to help others, he or she will also experience a loss of significance. When people lose their usual ability to meet their needs, they react by trying to find other ways of regaining their sense of significance, at least temporarily. Sometimes these temporary solutions lead to long-term solutions; other times they lead to harm. The purpose of human needs psychology is to understand a person’s model of the world, to bring about a conscious understanding of personal choices, and to assist the person in finding new ways to meet personal needs in ways that will serve him or her and others in the long term.
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