THE THREE LEVELS OF RELATIONSHIP
A major purpose of relationship is to meet your and your partner’s needs in an expanded way. There are three levels of relationship, that is, three ways that people in a relationship meet their needs. These are selfish love (level one), conditional love(level two), and unconditional love (level three).
Level One: Selfish Love (My needs come first.)
This is the least mature level. At this level, one or both of the partners are focused on meeting their own needs first. When partners have this focus, the relationship is fragile. If you put your needs first, what happens to your partner? Eventually there will be an erosion of trust and togetherness, and there may even be a conflict or dispute about who gets personal needs met first. Do you ever find yourself with your partner in a situation where you are arguing about who is right, who goes first, who gets their way? All of us do sometimes—and when we do, we are playing at relationship level one. At this level, you are rarely together; one of you comes first. Occasionally there may be some way that you can meet your needs together in the same way, but this cannot be sustained. Life doesn’t work that way—there are always points of choice where if you put yourself first, the other person will suffer. Putting the other first is the essence of trust. When two partners fail to understand each other or put each other’s needs first, then trust is being undermined by individual self-interest.
Level Two: Conditional Love (I’ll give you yours if you give me mine.)
We call level two “horse trading.” At this level, every gesture, every gift, every concession or compromise has strings attached. Nothing is given out of free will, only out of a wish for barter, fairness, or personal gain. We call a level two player by the shocking term “whore,” because what does a prostitute do? He or she gives “love” in exchange for money; without money, no “love” is given. In a relationship in which love is exchanged for favors, nothing is simple. Everything is a ploy, a calculation, an advance payment creating debt. It is difficult to accept love because we never know what the price might be. Everything is purchased. In order to avoid debt, both parties insist on creating fairness, that is, a model of even exchange.
However, plans of even exchange will never create the spontaneous self-expression that leads to a passionate relationship. Trust comes not only from following a prescribed plan but also from feeling that if you should suddenly find yourself in need, your partner will come and serve you. Trust comes from the belief that the relationship is always bigger than any individual exchange or temporary advantage or debt of one partner or the other. Again, all relationships devolve to the level once in a while where it seems that things are not equal or fair. When we are at level two, we fall into blaming, suspicion, cautious truces, and exchanges. We hesitate before giving while the other person is waiting for us, in need. When that happens, do not stay at that level: It is crucial to communicate, to make needs understood, and to give to each other.
Level Three: Unconditional Love (The other’s needs come first.)
This is the level where passion and emotional juice flow. Both partners put each other first. When a partner discovers the other’s need, he or she serves that need spontaneously in the best way possible, without calculating a payback. In fact, the partners are constantly studying each other in order to understand how to serve each other better. They become experts at knowing each other’s needs. Both partners recognize that, at a deep level, they love each other unconditionally and that nothing is needed for the love to be expressed. At this level, it is easy to please each other and to share, because even if you don’t experience the same needs as your partner, you can love what he or she loves. You don’t have to worry about your needs
remaining unmet because your partner habitually puts you first—all you have to do is to
give your partner a clue about what you need. At the level of passion, there is enough safety for you to serve each other not only by giving gifts but by penetrating each other emotionally. When there is a foundation of trust, you can express yourselves in darker and naughtier ways to give your relationship a suspenseful edge. Of course, all relationships devolve occasionally. We all have panic moments when we think that we will not be loved or that we will fall short of expectations; in those moments, we will ask for “fair exchange” or will even focus on getting our individual needs met first. However, if the “center of gravity” of your relationship is at level three, you are enjoying one of the rare experiences of life.
Showing posts with label Psychology. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Psychology. Show all posts
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
HOW DO I CHANGE MY RELATIONSHIP?
By
Dr Leow Chee Seng
MBA (UPM), DBA (UBI), MMIM, MIHRM,MIM-CPT, CAHRP (Consultant),Certified E-Commerce Professional (Mal),Certified Professional Trainer (MIM, PSNB),Certified Stress Management (IACT, USA),Certificate Qualitative Research (Georgia, USA)Certificate in Homeopathy Medicine (Mal)Practising Cognitive, Behavioural Therapist
Relationship is important—it may be the single greatest factor in your happiness throughout your life. It is the way that our emotions become magnified through sharing and interchange. It is the way that we build our histories with others,share memories, and taste our experiences. However, it is not always easy. Why? Because there is another person involved—a person with his or her own experiences, preferences, values, and levels of commitment. This can be frustrating at times, no matter how deep, powerful, intense, and passionate the relationship is.
In fact, you may say, frustration is often a sign of passion waiting to break free—if you can learn how to harness it. As Tony puts it, there are areas in your life where you may enjoy a great deal of control; in other areas of life, you may even have mastery. In relationship, you have neither mastery nor control—you have influence at best. If you think you can control your partner, you will be frustrated. If you simply expect your partner to be or do things in a certain way, your partner will feel judged and stop cooperating. And if you try to coerce your partner to do things in a way that doesn’t reflect his or her free will, you cannot have a happy relationship. So you have influence at best, and you have much less control than you may have thought. Is this bad news? On the contrary, this is the path to the excitement, spontaneity, and interaction that are at the bottom of every truly successful relationship. There is a way to harness the uncertainty of relationship and to let it light up your life. So let’s get started.
FUNDAMENTALS: THE SIX HUMAN NEEDS
The concept of the six human needs is at the core of human needs psychology. We believe that human motivation is driven by the need to fulfill six basic human needs. These needs are our constant and in some ways our closest companions. They never stop driving us and they never go away. You cannot simply resolve a need—it will be back tomorrow or even in five minutes. Our needs are the primal forces that shape all of our choices. The good news is that there are only six needs and there are millions of ways of satisfying your needs. By understanding how your needs work, you can set yourself up for lasting fulfillment in life.
The First Human Need: Certainty/Comfort
The first need is for certainty that we can be comfortable—to have pleasure and to avoid pain. For some of us, this means a secure environment, consistency in our relationships. You can also get certainty through physical habits—eating, for instance, can make you feel comfortable and certain—or even through certain beliefs—for instance, you can have faith that your problems will be resolved. What is necessary for someone to feel certain varies from individual to individual. For one person knowing where the next meal will come from is sufficient certainty, while for another person the need for certainty may be satisfied only by having a million dollars in the bank. Code words for certainty are comfort, security, safety, stability, predictability. When things get rough, what are some things that you do to feel
certain?
The Second Human Need: Uncertainty/Variety
Once we feel certain, however, our second need is for uncertainty—for variety and challenges that will exercise our emotional and physical range. Our bodies, our minds, our emotional being all require uncertainty, exercise, suspense, variety, surprise. Even if you have a lifetime supply of your favorite food, at some point you will want to eat something else. Your emotional and physical state will change. We all value uncertainty/variety to different degrees, but we all need it. You may get variety by pursuing changes, diversions, and pleasures or by undertaking risky projects or challenging commitments. Some people satisfy their need for uncertainty/variety by watching a movie, while others need to race cars or climb mountains. And don’t forget a major source of variety for all of us: problems. When
things don’t go as you planned, when expectations are foiled and things go in a different direction, that’s uncertainty/variety as well. What kind of variety/uncertainty do you experience on a regular basis? Code words for uncertainty are fear, instability, change, variety, chaos, refreshment, craving, release, suspense, exertion, surprise, problem, crisis. Are there ways in which the feeling of uncertainty actually serves to give you variety?
The Third Human Need: Significance
The third need is for significance. Every person needs to feel important, needed, wanted. When we were babies, we all needed to feel that we were number one. If you had siblings, you competed with them for love and attention—you found your niche, whether as the smart one or the scrappy one or the loving one or the obedient one. This need is still with you: Needing to feel special and important in some way has helped shape who you are today. You can feel significant by building or achieving something, or you can feel significant by tearing something or somebody down. In all cases, significance comes from comparing yourself to others— hierarchical pecking orders and superiority/inferiority. In its positive sense, significance leads you to raise your standards. If you overfocus on significance, you will have trouble feeling connected with people, because the comparison game marks out our differences rather than what we have in common. Some people focus on significance in a self-deprecating way—having low self-esteem, doubting whether they are good enough, expecting others to raise them up. How do you get significance? Code words for significance are pride, importance, standards, achievement, performance, perfection, evaluation, discipline, competition, plus any words connected with being “rejected” or being “good enough.”
The Fourth Human Need: Love/Connection
The fourth need is for love and connection. Everyone strives for and hopes for love, and everyone needs connection with other human beings. If you are alive today, you were loved. You needed to feel loved and touched in order to survive, and that need is still at your core. In this sense, love is the ultimate survival instinct, and it comes before the baby can take care of its own basic bodily needs. So love is a big part of who you already are, no matter who you are. The obstacles to love lie in your belief system about how to get the feeling of love, your rules about how to recognize and appreciate love, and your ability to learn to give love as well as receive it. Some people rarely experience love, but they have many ways of feeling connection with others—in the community or in the workplace. Do you experience love in your life, or do you focus on connection with others, a less threatening form of love? When in
your life have you felt really loved? Code words for love and connection are togetherness, unified, connected, passionate, “on the same page.” These first four human needs are the needs of the personality and must be met at some level by everyone. The last two needs are the needs of the spirit, which are essential to human fulfillment. These are growth and contribution.
The Fifth Human Need: Growth
When we stop growing, we die. We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. There is a universal law about growth: Everything is either growing or dying—there is no middle ground. Anything that you want to remain in your life—your money, your body, your relationship, your happiness or love—must be cultivated, developed, expanded. Otherwise it will degenerate. What does this mean for us? There is no “retirement,” a terminal point where we simply get to keep and enjoy what we have. If your body, your finances, or your relationships are in a good state, be prepared to continue to care for and expand them. If you let them flatline, they will deteriorate.
The Sixth Human Need: Contribution
Contribution requires you to go beyond your own needs and give to others. Most emotional problems and sources of pain disappear when you focus on serving someone other than yourself. Therefore, contribution is the human need that effectively regulates your other five needs: If you are focused on contribution, you have the certainty of being able to contribute (there is always a way); you have variety in the number of things that can go right and wrong (contribution is highly interactive); you have significance because the commitment to contribution is rare and is the sign of an extraordinary person; you have connection because there is a spiritual connection in helping others; and you have to experience growth because
contribution requires you to go beyond your own needs. From this perspective, the purpose of human needs psychology is not only to take care of your own needs but to expand and serve others in an attitude of leadership and contribution. If you are focused on growth and contribution, it is difficult to get bored or depressed. Everyone creates their own system of beliefs and actions for satisfying their needs. We call this system their “model of the world.” One person may give himself or herself the feeling of certainty by always controlling the environment, a second person may feel certain by not trusting anyone, and a third person may get the feeling of certainty by holding a spiritual belief. Everyone can meet their own needs in sustainable ways that serve the greater good of themselves and others, or they can meet their own needs in ways that sooner or later harm themselves or others. When someone loses his or her habitual ways of meeting personal needs, he or she experiences a crisis. For instance, when financial failure comes to a businessperson who gets the feeling of significance from being financially successful, he or she will experience a loss of significance. When someone who gets the feeling of importance from taking care of others suddenly becomes unable to help others, he or she will also experience a loss of significance. When people lose their usual ability to meet their needs, they react by trying to find other ways of regaining their sense of significance, at least temporarily. Sometimes these temporary solutions lead to long-term solutions; other times they lead to harm. The purpose of human needs psychology is to understand a person’s model of the world, to bring about a conscious understanding of personal choices, and to assist the person in finding new ways to meet personal needs in ways that will serve him or her and others in the long term.
In fact, you may say, frustration is often a sign of passion waiting to break free—if you can learn how to harness it. As Tony puts it, there are areas in your life where you may enjoy a great deal of control; in other areas of life, you may even have mastery. In relationship, you have neither mastery nor control—you have influence at best. If you think you can control your partner, you will be frustrated. If you simply expect your partner to be or do things in a certain way, your partner will feel judged and stop cooperating. And if you try to coerce your partner to do things in a way that doesn’t reflect his or her free will, you cannot have a happy relationship. So you have influence at best, and you have much less control than you may have thought. Is this bad news? On the contrary, this is the path to the excitement, spontaneity, and interaction that are at the bottom of every truly successful relationship. There is a way to harness the uncertainty of relationship and to let it light up your life. So let’s get started.
FUNDAMENTALS: THE SIX HUMAN NEEDS
The concept of the six human needs is at the core of human needs psychology. We believe that human motivation is driven by the need to fulfill six basic human needs. These needs are our constant and in some ways our closest companions. They never stop driving us and they never go away. You cannot simply resolve a need—it will be back tomorrow or even in five minutes. Our needs are the primal forces that shape all of our choices. The good news is that there are only six needs and there are millions of ways of satisfying your needs. By understanding how your needs work, you can set yourself up for lasting fulfillment in life.
The First Human Need: Certainty/Comfort
The first need is for certainty that we can be comfortable—to have pleasure and to avoid pain. For some of us, this means a secure environment, consistency in our relationships. You can also get certainty through physical habits—eating, for instance, can make you feel comfortable and certain—or even through certain beliefs—for instance, you can have faith that your problems will be resolved. What is necessary for someone to feel certain varies from individual to individual. For one person knowing where the next meal will come from is sufficient certainty, while for another person the need for certainty may be satisfied only by having a million dollars in the bank. Code words for certainty are comfort, security, safety, stability, predictability. When things get rough, what are some things that you do to feel
certain?
The Second Human Need: Uncertainty/Variety
Once we feel certain, however, our second need is for uncertainty—for variety and challenges that will exercise our emotional and physical range. Our bodies, our minds, our emotional being all require uncertainty, exercise, suspense, variety, surprise. Even if you have a lifetime supply of your favorite food, at some point you will want to eat something else. Your emotional and physical state will change. We all value uncertainty/variety to different degrees, but we all need it. You may get variety by pursuing changes, diversions, and pleasures or by undertaking risky projects or challenging commitments. Some people satisfy their need for uncertainty/variety by watching a movie, while others need to race cars or climb mountains. And don’t forget a major source of variety for all of us: problems. When
things don’t go as you planned, when expectations are foiled and things go in a different direction, that’s uncertainty/variety as well. What kind of variety/uncertainty do you experience on a regular basis? Code words for uncertainty are fear, instability, change, variety, chaos, refreshment, craving, release, suspense, exertion, surprise, problem, crisis. Are there ways in which the feeling of uncertainty actually serves to give you variety?
The Third Human Need: Significance
The third need is for significance. Every person needs to feel important, needed, wanted. When we were babies, we all needed to feel that we were number one. If you had siblings, you competed with them for love and attention—you found your niche, whether as the smart one or the scrappy one or the loving one or the obedient one. This need is still with you: Needing to feel special and important in some way has helped shape who you are today. You can feel significant by building or achieving something, or you can feel significant by tearing something or somebody down. In all cases, significance comes from comparing yourself to others— hierarchical pecking orders and superiority/inferiority. In its positive sense, significance leads you to raise your standards. If you overfocus on significance, you will have trouble feeling connected with people, because the comparison game marks out our differences rather than what we have in common. Some people focus on significance in a self-deprecating way—having low self-esteem, doubting whether they are good enough, expecting others to raise them up. How do you get significance? Code words for significance are pride, importance, standards, achievement, performance, perfection, evaluation, discipline, competition, plus any words connected with being “rejected” or being “good enough.”
The Fourth Human Need: Love/Connection
The fourth need is for love and connection. Everyone strives for and hopes for love, and everyone needs connection with other human beings. If you are alive today, you were loved. You needed to feel loved and touched in order to survive, and that need is still at your core. In this sense, love is the ultimate survival instinct, and it comes before the baby can take care of its own basic bodily needs. So love is a big part of who you already are, no matter who you are. The obstacles to love lie in your belief system about how to get the feeling of love, your rules about how to recognize and appreciate love, and your ability to learn to give love as well as receive it. Some people rarely experience love, but they have many ways of feeling connection with others—in the community or in the workplace. Do you experience love in your life, or do you focus on connection with others, a less threatening form of love? When in
your life have you felt really loved? Code words for love and connection are togetherness, unified, connected, passionate, “on the same page.” These first four human needs are the needs of the personality and must be met at some level by everyone. The last two needs are the needs of the spirit, which are essential to human fulfillment. These are growth and contribution.
The Fifth Human Need: Growth
When we stop growing, we die. We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually. There is a universal law about growth: Everything is either growing or dying—there is no middle ground. Anything that you want to remain in your life—your money, your body, your relationship, your happiness or love—must be cultivated, developed, expanded. Otherwise it will degenerate. What does this mean for us? There is no “retirement,” a terminal point where we simply get to keep and enjoy what we have. If your body, your finances, or your relationships are in a good state, be prepared to continue to care for and expand them. If you let them flatline, they will deteriorate.
The Sixth Human Need: Contribution
Contribution requires you to go beyond your own needs and give to others. Most emotional problems and sources of pain disappear when you focus on serving someone other than yourself. Therefore, contribution is the human need that effectively regulates your other five needs: If you are focused on contribution, you have the certainty of being able to contribute (there is always a way); you have variety in the number of things that can go right and wrong (contribution is highly interactive); you have significance because the commitment to contribution is rare and is the sign of an extraordinary person; you have connection because there is a spiritual connection in helping others; and you have to experience growth because
contribution requires you to go beyond your own needs. From this perspective, the purpose of human needs psychology is not only to take care of your own needs but to expand and serve others in an attitude of leadership and contribution. If you are focused on growth and contribution, it is difficult to get bored or depressed. Everyone creates their own system of beliefs and actions for satisfying their needs. We call this system their “model of the world.” One person may give himself or herself the feeling of certainty by always controlling the environment, a second person may feel certain by not trusting anyone, and a third person may get the feeling of certainty by holding a spiritual belief. Everyone can meet their own needs in sustainable ways that serve the greater good of themselves and others, or they can meet their own needs in ways that sooner or later harm themselves or others. When someone loses his or her habitual ways of meeting personal needs, he or she experiences a crisis. For instance, when financial failure comes to a businessperson who gets the feeling of significance from being financially successful, he or she will experience a loss of significance. When someone who gets the feeling of importance from taking care of others suddenly becomes unable to help others, he or she will also experience a loss of significance. When people lose their usual ability to meet their needs, they react by trying to find other ways of regaining their sense of significance, at least temporarily. Sometimes these temporary solutions lead to long-term solutions; other times they lead to harm. The purpose of human needs psychology is to understand a person’s model of the world, to bring about a conscious understanding of personal choices, and to assist the person in finding new ways to meet personal needs in ways that will serve him or her and others in the long term.
Monday, September 8, 2008
How Depressed Are You?
Listed below are a variety of thoughts that pop into our heads. Please read each thought and indicate how frequently, if at all, the thought occurred to you over the last week. Please read each item carefully and indicate the appropriate response, using the scale below
5 4 3 2 1
All the time Often Moderate often Sometimes Not at all
1. I feel like I’m up against the world.
2. I’m no good
3. Why can’t I ever succeed?
4. No one understands me.
5. I’ve let people down.
6. I don’t think I can go on.
7. I wish I were a better person
8. I’m so weak.
9. My life’s not going the way I want it to.
10. I’m so disappointed in myself.
11. Nothing feels good anymore
12. I can’t stand this anymore
13. I can’t get started
14. What’s wrong with me?
15. I wish I were somewhere else
16. I can’t get things together
17. I hate myself
18. I’m worthless
19. I wish I could just disappear.
20. What’s the matter with me?
21. I’m a loser
22. My life is a mess.
23. I’m a failure
24. I’ll never make it
25. I feel so helpless
26. Something has to change
27. There must be something wrong with me
28. My future is bleak
29. It’s just not worth it.
30. I can’t finish anything.
Used with permission of Dr. Steven D. Hollon of Vanderbilt University. For more information see: S. D. Hollon, and P.C. Kendall (1980) "cognitive self-statement in depression: Development of an automatic thought questionnaire." Cognitive Therapy and Research, 4, 383 – 95.
Scoring
To find your score, simply add together your response for 30 items.
Norms
Score Percentile
60 85
55 70
49 50
43 30
38 15
5 4 3 2 1
All the time Often Moderate often Sometimes Not at all
1. I feel like I’m up against the world.
2. I’m no good
3. Why can’t I ever succeed?
4. No one understands me.
5. I’ve let people down.
6. I don’t think I can go on.
7. I wish I were a better person
8. I’m so weak.
9. My life’s not going the way I want it to.
10. I’m so disappointed in myself.
11. Nothing feels good anymore
12. I can’t stand this anymore
13. I can’t get started
14. What’s wrong with me?
15. I wish I were somewhere else
16. I can’t get things together
17. I hate myself
18. I’m worthless
19. I wish I could just disappear.
20. What’s the matter with me?
21. I’m a loser
22. My life is a mess.
23. I’m a failure
24. I’ll never make it
25. I feel so helpless
26. Something has to change
27. There must be something wrong with me
28. My future is bleak
29. It’s just not worth it.
30. I can’t finish anything.
Used with permission of Dr. Steven D. Hollon of Vanderbilt University. For more information see: S. D. Hollon, and P.C. Kendall (1980) "cognitive self-statement in depression: Development of an automatic thought questionnaire." Cognitive Therapy and Research, 4, 383 – 95.
Scoring
To find your score, simply add together your response for 30 items.
Norms
Score Percentile
60 85
55 70
49 50
43 30
38 15
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Why Negative Thought appear in my mind during emotional disorder?
MBA (UPM), DBA (UBI), MMIM, MIHRM,MIM-CPT, CAHRP (Consultant),Certified E-Commerce Professional (Mal),Certified Professional Trainer (MIM, PSNB),Certified Stress Management (IACT, USA),Certificate Qualitative Research (Georgia, USA)Certificate in Homeopathy Medicine (Mal)Practising Cognitive, Behavioural Therapist
During attending a psychotherapy session with my clients, I posted the following question,
" What was going through your mind at the moment when you got to the meeting/class late?
The client replied, I'm always late. I'm undisciplined. My colleagues will look down on me."
Let's look at another example,
"What was going through your mind at the moment when you fail your exam? Break up with your partners?"
"I am a failure. I am worthless. Why I can't do it!"
The examples above shows the Negative automatic thoughts (NAT). What is NATs? NATs are situation-specific and involuntarily "pop into" our mind when we are experiencing emotional distress such as depression or anxiety. The concept appears in our mind and hard to thrun off. NATs always lie outside immediate awareness but can quickly brought to the client's attention.
In general, underlying assumptions and rules guide behaviour, set standards and provide rules to follow. Unfortunately, these assumptions and rules are often not expressed among ourselves. Most of us do not realise we have underlying assumption. The most common underlying assumption appear when we have the statement, "If.... then" construction, and rule are usually expressed in "must" and "should" statements. These assumption and rules are the means by which individuals hope to avoid face to face with their negative core beliefs. The "truth" of the assumption is not questioned and the assumption and rules serve to maintain and reinforace.
Beck et al (1985) suggested that maladaptive assumption often focus on the three major issues
a) Acceptance (I'm useless unless I am able to score high mark"
b) Competence (I'm what I accomplish)
c) Control (I can't ask for help. No one can understand me)
The assumption and rules are cross-situational and are intermediate beliefs that lie between NATS and core belief (Beck, 1995).
All negative core are overgeneralized and unconditional. They are formed through early learning experience and activated by relevant life events. Once it is activated, negative core beliefs process information in a biased way that confirms them and disconfirms contradictory information. Core belief can be about the self and the world.
Let's me link the whole concept to a practical senario. George is a university student. When he fails to get "A" grades in his exams. His dormant core belief, "I am a failure" is activated by his inability to live up to his rigid rile of living tat he must be the best at everything he does and his mind is flooded with NATS. "I can't show my face at university. Run away and hide. The whole university is laughing at me.
Hence in clinical psychotherapy, we are working at the NATS level to provide symptom-relief while tackling maladaptive assumption and negative core beliefs reduce a client's vulnerability to experience future episodes of emotional disturbance. Hence, I prefer implementing cognitive therapy as the early intervention at the NATS level and move on to underlying assumption and core beliefs.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
How Do You Think When Your Emotional Distress?
MBA (UPM), DBA (UBI), MMIM, MIHRM,MIM-CPT, CAHRP (Consultant),Certified E-Commerce Professional (Mal),Certified Professional Trainer (MIM, PSNB),Certified Stress Management (IACT, USA),Certificate Qualitative Research (Georgia, USA)Certificate in Homeopathy Medicine (Mal)
Practising Cognitive, Behavioural Therapist
According to information-processing model which posits that during psychological distess, a person's thinking becomes more rigid and distorted, judgements become overgeneralized and absolute, and the person's basic beliefs about the self and the world become fixed. For example, there is a morning when I was waken up by a phone call. My emotional is disturbed. No matter what facts came to me it was transformed to a negative thought. From there, common information processing errors found in emotional distress includePractising Cognitive, Behavioural Therapist
a) All or nothing thinking: situation are viewed in "either/or terms". For example, you are either happy or not happy in life. Then you will choose, I am not happy.
b) Jumping to conclusions: justments are rushed. During depression or emotional disturb, we claimed that, "The therapist doesn't help me!". or "No one can understand me!"
c) Mind reading: discending the thoughts of other without any accompanying evidence. For example, "My brother didn't smile at me this morning, so means he is unhappy with me.
d) Labelling: attaching labels to oneself instead of to one's behaviour, " Because I can't cook a nice dinner, this means I am a failure."
e) Emotional reasoning: assuming that feeling are facts. This is proven from the following example, : I feel imcompetent, so it must be true."
We must identify and correct these errors in our thinking facilitates the return of information processing that is more evidence-based, flexible and relative (non-absulute).
The next writting, I will share with you the three level of thinking.
Hope you will be happy and able to control your emotion from now.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Are you depressed?
MBA (UPM), DBA (UBI), MMIM, MIHRM,
MIM-CPT, CAHRP (Consultant),
Certified E-Commerce Professional (Mal),
Certified Professional Trainer (MIM, PSNB),
Certified Stress Management (IACT, USA),
Certificate Qualitative Research (Georgia, USA)
Certificate in Homeopathy Medicine (Mal)
MIM-CPT, CAHRP (Consultant),
Certified E-Commerce Professional (Mal),
Certified Professional Trainer (MIM, PSNB),
Certified Stress Management (IACT, USA),
Certificate Qualitative Research (Georgia, USA)
Certificate in Homeopathy Medicine (Mal)
Practising Cognitive, Behavioural Therapist
A lot of people do not know if they have depression. Depression has become one of the major psychology problems in the developing countries. Depression can develop when we are living in a stress environment. Unfortunately, a lot of people do not realise that they have depression. Today, I would like to share with you the symptoms of depression.
“The movie is really not nice.” “The food is tasteless”. “It is not interesting at all, I would rather stay at home.” If the statement is familiar to you, you could be attacked by depression. A depressed person mood is usually dejected, gloomy and joyless. They feel the world is boring and meaningless. The world is colourless and the only colour in their mind is black and white.
Some of the depressed patients complaint they have low self-esteem and deep feelings of inadequacy. They have low confident level on themselves and towards other people. Am I good enough? Other people don’t like me! I’m not being welcome. These statements are common statements appear in their mind due to their low confident level.
When you realise that you frequently worries and frets, you might be attacked by depression. I have a lady patient who can go back home to check if she has turned of the tap, switched off the electricity, locked the door, closed the window for several times before they went out from their house. At first, she thought she was being forgetful but in reality, this was the initial symptoms to develop depression. Hence, early detection could prevent formation of depression.
Some participating in yahoo answer session, I realised that a lot of people had symptoms of self-derogatory during depression. They felt relief after hurting themselves. They were not sure the reasons they were doing so. If this problem is not rectified immediately, depression is developed and this would lead to suicidal case. Self-derogatory is a serious symptom that needs immediate attention.
A depressed patient engages in critical and judgmental attitude towards both self and others. They are not satisfied with the people next to them. No matter what they did, how well they try, the depressed patient always feels they are not right. My mother was undergone depression after my dad past away. When we bought her new mattress, she kept complaining the previous was soft and the new mattress was too hard and she couldn’t sleep at night. We brought her out for lunch, no matter which restaurant we went she felt the food was not delicious. The judgemental attitude would not be realised by them but people next to them would suffer from this personality.
Some of the depressed patient would be highly pessimistic and complaintive. During working with the depressed patients, I found that their world is full of sadness. They felt that the world was hopeless. They always labelled themselves with “bad luck”, “no hope” and other pessimistic words. Some of the aggressive patient would start to complaint. One of my friends received a letter from the patients with the statement, “You consultancy is not professional enough”. In fact, the patient did not even know the term professionalism in medical practices!
Experiences a great deal of guilt and regret is the last general symptoms of depression. Most of the suicidal cases are generally related to this feeling. These patients feel that nothing much they can do and the suicidal would be their last choice. When this idea becomes a core believe, they tend to suicide. When we realise this element appears among our friends, we have to remind them it is a symptom of depression.
As a psychotherapist, long term goals are set to brighten downcast mode, improve self-esteem and feeling of self-worth, decrease ruminative worry, enhance optimism, reduce feelings of guilt and remorse, reduce griping and complaining, facilitate positive interpersonal relationships and finally expand active problem solving, thereby decrease passive resignation.
In the next article, I would share with you on the therapeutic interventions on dealing with depression patients.
“The movie is really not nice.” “The food is tasteless”. “It is not interesting at all, I would rather stay at home.” If the statement is familiar to you, you could be attacked by depression. A depressed person mood is usually dejected, gloomy and joyless. They feel the world is boring and meaningless. The world is colourless and the only colour in their mind is black and white.
Some of the depressed patients complaint they have low self-esteem and deep feelings of inadequacy. They have low confident level on themselves and towards other people. Am I good enough? Other people don’t like me! I’m not being welcome. These statements are common statements appear in their mind due to their low confident level.
When you realise that you frequently worries and frets, you might be attacked by depression. I have a lady patient who can go back home to check if she has turned of the tap, switched off the electricity, locked the door, closed the window for several times before they went out from their house. At first, she thought she was being forgetful but in reality, this was the initial symptoms to develop depression. Hence, early detection could prevent formation of depression.
Some participating in yahoo answer session, I realised that a lot of people had symptoms of self-derogatory during depression. They felt relief after hurting themselves. They were not sure the reasons they were doing so. If this problem is not rectified immediately, depression is developed and this would lead to suicidal case. Self-derogatory is a serious symptom that needs immediate attention.
A depressed patient engages in critical and judgmental attitude towards both self and others. They are not satisfied with the people next to them. No matter what they did, how well they try, the depressed patient always feels they are not right. My mother was undergone depression after my dad past away. When we bought her new mattress, she kept complaining the previous was soft and the new mattress was too hard and she couldn’t sleep at night. We brought her out for lunch, no matter which restaurant we went she felt the food was not delicious. The judgemental attitude would not be realised by them but people next to them would suffer from this personality.
Some of the depressed patient would be highly pessimistic and complaintive. During working with the depressed patients, I found that their world is full of sadness. They felt that the world was hopeless. They always labelled themselves with “bad luck”, “no hope” and other pessimistic words. Some of the aggressive patient would start to complaint. One of my friends received a letter from the patients with the statement, “You consultancy is not professional enough”. In fact, the patient did not even know the term professionalism in medical practices!
Experiences a great deal of guilt and regret is the last general symptoms of depression. Most of the suicidal cases are generally related to this feeling. These patients feel that nothing much they can do and the suicidal would be their last choice. When this idea becomes a core believe, they tend to suicide. When we realise this element appears among our friends, we have to remind them it is a symptom of depression.
As a psychotherapist, long term goals are set to brighten downcast mode, improve self-esteem and feeling of self-worth, decrease ruminative worry, enhance optimism, reduce feelings of guilt and remorse, reduce griping and complaining, facilitate positive interpersonal relationships and finally expand active problem solving, thereby decrease passive resignation.
In the next article, I would share with you on the therapeutic interventions on dealing with depression patients.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Introduction of psychology
1.Most people have impression that a clinical psychologist:
· Sitting on a chair
· Taking notes
· Taking to a person lying on couch
· Reminding their child and history
2. Another 2/3 of the psychologists cover the general area. They are
· Old fashion setting
· Trying to help to solve their problems related to mentally ill, problems in life.
3. The differences between psychologist and psychiatrist
Clinical psychologist Psychiatrists
Undergraduate psychology Medical Doctor undergone
Graduate from PhD degree and intensive psychology therapy
can do research of necessary. Can prescribe medicine and
conduct physical examination
4. Experimental psychology
· Include 1/3 of psychologist in the industry
· These group of psychologist are wearing white lab coat with recharge.
· They are running down the laboratory to run around with mice
· They usually work with people who is normal
· They have interest to work with people how they
o Perceive things
o Remember things
o Learns things
o What motivates a person
· The experimental psychologist work in the setting of laboratory, government operation or laboratory of a university.
· They could be working in industry and organisation job and industry or economy design system.
5. History Development of psychology
a) French philosopher – Rene Descartes
o Publishes Discourse on Method
o Speculating the nature of the mind
o Giving the distinction between the mind and the body.
o Mind – being the idea / part and inner of a part of self distinct from the body.
b) English philosopher – John Locke
o Publishes Essay concerning Human Understanding
o There is no “inert” mind
o Concept of Tabula raza – blank slate
o Everything is blank and a slate is written on by our experience through sensory mechanism. We bring in and write on the blank slate.
o Behavioralism – talks on learning and what we written on blank slate
c) British associationist – David Hume
· Inquiry concerning human understanding
· Mind is no more but a collection of sensory expression link together by association.
· Association o these things are important.
· Precursor of association what happen when we do learning
d) Expericalist - Ernst Waber
· Empericalist is not a psychologist
· Their interest on mental of psychological operation in quantitative ways on sensory side where sub sensory stimulus comes
· Conduct in quantitative ways.
e) Theory of evolution – Charles Dalvin
· Put human back to animal kingdom
· Human has certain kind of built in instinct
f) Wilhelm Wundt – 1879
· Build the first laboratory of psychology in Germany
· Psychologists start to be empirialist where starts to collect data.
g) William James – 1884
· Not collect data from the ground. He read intensively on what other wrote
· He wrote a lot in psychologist introduced it to American
h) Sigmund Freud – 1900
· He is a clinical psychologist
· He based on psychoanalytical theory
· He introduced unconscious mind on a concept
i) Physiology – Ivon Pavlov – 1906
· He introduced classical conditioning
· He started the behavioural era.
j) John Watson – 1913
· He suggested to us that we should study behavior not the conscious mind
k) B.F Skiner – 1930
· Be based on behavior tradition and offering operating conditional.
l) Ulric Neisser – 1967
· He is a cognitive psychologist
· We can measures things beside behavior
· According to him, it is okey to study the mind.
· We can use sophisticated technique to understand the mind
· He measures reaction time – how long mental processing through and inferring a mind how must it like if we use the measure.
· It is a primary paradigm in psychology
m) Eward O.W – 1975
· He published sociology Evolution.
· It involves a evolution of indication of evolution another way to look at human behavior
Trend of psychology
1. Experimental
· method to collect data
2. Introspection
· look into own mind and look at the content of mind
· How to process stimulus, colour and forms
3. Behaviourist
· Noway to know our own mind hard to do measuring and measure at the same time.
· Measure behavior – ignore to mind
· Human can be bias due to conscious mind.
· Human tends to change
· Start to study behavior of animal like rats, pigeons that cannot be over rule by conscious thought.
4. Cognitive psychologist
· Information theory comes along
· Use computer as metaphor to study how human mind
· Use simulation to look into mind
5. Evolutionary psychologist
· Mind is not a blank state
· Focus of adaption that from the behavior
6. Clinical psychologist
· Human motivation is on the unconscious level – needs psychoanalysis to determine the unconscious level what is the conscious level
· They tell what the patients to do.
7. Humanistic psychology
· Introduced by Carl Roger
· Use therapist and clients
· Clients have the ability to solve her own problems
· Therapist is a method to solve problem
8. Behaviourist therapy
· If you have problem, the problem may be dissolves with an appropriate learning
· Learning how to behalve in a wrong way.
· We have to intervene with the wrong behavior
· Help client to relevant the behavior using behavior techniques
9. Cognitive therapy
· Problems due to inner inappropriate thought, thinking the wrong thing
· For example, they kept saying , I can’t …..
· The problem is due to how do they think.
· Correct by having thinking an appropriate thought.
· Teach people an appropriate thought
· Sitting on a chair
· Taking notes
· Taking to a person lying on couch
· Reminding their child and history
2. Another 2/3 of the psychologists cover the general area. They are
· Old fashion setting
· Trying to help to solve their problems related to mentally ill, problems in life.
3. The differences between psychologist and psychiatrist
Clinical psychologist Psychiatrists
Undergraduate psychology Medical Doctor undergone
Graduate from PhD degree and intensive psychology therapy
can do research of necessary. Can prescribe medicine and
conduct physical examination
4. Experimental psychology
· Include 1/3 of psychologist in the industry
· These group of psychologist are wearing white lab coat with recharge.
· They are running down the laboratory to run around with mice
· They usually work with people who is normal
· They have interest to work with people how they
o Perceive things
o Remember things
o Learns things
o What motivates a person
· The experimental psychologist work in the setting of laboratory, government operation or laboratory of a university.
· They could be working in industry and organisation job and industry or economy design system.
5. History Development of psychology
a) French philosopher – Rene Descartes
o Publishes Discourse on Method
o Speculating the nature of the mind
o Giving the distinction between the mind and the body.
o Mind – being the idea / part and inner of a part of self distinct from the body.
b) English philosopher – John Locke
o Publishes Essay concerning Human Understanding
o There is no “inert” mind
o Concept of Tabula raza – blank slate
o Everything is blank and a slate is written on by our experience through sensory mechanism. We bring in and write on the blank slate.
o Behavioralism – talks on learning and what we written on blank slate
c) British associationist – David Hume
· Inquiry concerning human understanding
· Mind is no more but a collection of sensory expression link together by association.
· Association o these things are important.
· Precursor of association what happen when we do learning
d) Expericalist - Ernst Waber
· Empericalist is not a psychologist
· Their interest on mental of psychological operation in quantitative ways on sensory side where sub sensory stimulus comes
· Conduct in quantitative ways.
e) Theory of evolution – Charles Dalvin
· Put human back to animal kingdom
· Human has certain kind of built in instinct
f) Wilhelm Wundt – 1879
· Build the first laboratory of psychology in Germany
· Psychologists start to be empirialist where starts to collect data.
g) William James – 1884
· Not collect data from the ground. He read intensively on what other wrote
· He wrote a lot in psychologist introduced it to American
h) Sigmund Freud – 1900
· He is a clinical psychologist
· He based on psychoanalytical theory
· He introduced unconscious mind on a concept
i) Physiology – Ivon Pavlov – 1906
· He introduced classical conditioning
· He started the behavioural era.
j) John Watson – 1913
· He suggested to us that we should study behavior not the conscious mind
k) B.F Skiner – 1930
· Be based on behavior tradition and offering operating conditional.
l) Ulric Neisser – 1967
· He is a cognitive psychologist
· We can measures things beside behavior
· According to him, it is okey to study the mind.
· We can use sophisticated technique to understand the mind
· He measures reaction time – how long mental processing through and inferring a mind how must it like if we use the measure.
· It is a primary paradigm in psychology
m) Eward O.W – 1975
· He published sociology Evolution.
· It involves a evolution of indication of evolution another way to look at human behavior
Trend of psychology
1. Experimental
· method to collect data
2. Introspection
· look into own mind and look at the content of mind
· How to process stimulus, colour and forms
3. Behaviourist
· Noway to know our own mind hard to do measuring and measure at the same time.
· Measure behavior – ignore to mind
· Human can be bias due to conscious mind.
· Human tends to change
· Start to study behavior of animal like rats, pigeons that cannot be over rule by conscious thought.
4. Cognitive psychologist
· Information theory comes along
· Use computer as metaphor to study how human mind
· Use simulation to look into mind
5. Evolutionary psychologist
· Mind is not a blank state
· Focus of adaption that from the behavior
6. Clinical psychologist
· Human motivation is on the unconscious level – needs psychoanalysis to determine the unconscious level what is the conscious level
· They tell what the patients to do.
7. Humanistic psychology
· Introduced by Carl Roger
· Use therapist and clients
· Clients have the ability to solve her own problems
· Therapist is a method to solve problem
8. Behaviourist therapy
· If you have problem, the problem may be dissolves with an appropriate learning
· Learning how to behalve in a wrong way.
· We have to intervene with the wrong behavior
· Help client to relevant the behavior using behavior techniques
9. Cognitive therapy
· Problems due to inner inappropriate thought, thinking the wrong thing
· For example, they kept saying , I can’t …..
· The problem is due to how do they think.
· Correct by having thinking an appropriate thought.
· Teach people an appropriate thought
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